Quill and Quire


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Canadians good at bad romance

The results are in for the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which recognizes the year’s worst opening lines in various book genres, and the romance category has been all sewn up by Canadians “ the winner, Paul Chafe, is from Toronto, and the runner-up, Jonathan Blay, is from Bedford, Nova Scotia. Here’s Chafe’s winning entry:

“Trent, I love you,” Fiona murmered, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover’s masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

We actually prefer Blay’s runner-up entry, however:

She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.

You can see the rest of the Bulwer-Lytton victors, including the grand prize winner, here.