Illustration by A G Duffy

Dear Agony Editor,

I’m discouraged by the lack of people reading books these days. Is there anything I can do to get them to read more?

Signed,

Disheartened

Dear Disheartened,

Take a book (it can be any book, but preferably one you enjoyed) and position yourself in a public place, such as a street corner, a shopping mall, or a park, depending on the time of year. Hold the book in front of you like you’re reading it. Let a look of concern to pass over your face as you flip the pages, almost cautiously, as if you’re afraid to find out what happens next. Then, gasp audibly and shake your head with disbelief. 

Feel free to ad lib. Some suggestions include, “Is it even legal to marry your cousin?” and “Of all the murder weapons at your disposal, why a cheese grater?” Next, throw your head back and laugh. Turn your attention back to the book. Read it intently. The book is revealing the secrets of life. You can barely comprehend the knowledge and insight. Look up at the sky (or the fluorescent lights) as though the heavens have opened, and you’ve stumbled upon the true meaning of existence. 

Finally, turn back to the book and start to cry. Not a lot at first. We don’t want to make this too theatrical. Just a few glimmering tears in the corners of your eyes. Keep flipping the pages as you near the end of the book, whispering, “No, no, no.” Allow the emotion to consume you and begin to openly weep. I recommend sinking to your knees but be careful if you’re of a certain age or standing on concrete. Close the book and clutch it against your chest. Sigh deeply. Finally, allow your head to fall. Hold this position for a few moments in quiet contemplation, until you feel it’s time to leave. Or security escorts you out. 

If, for some reason, this method doesn’t work for you, make every effort in your daily life to share your love of books. Promote them on your social media channels and talk them up in conversations with friends and colleagues. Books often find their audiences one reader at a time, so never underestimate your influence to move the dial. Good luck.